Five Words. No Confrontation.
How I defused a conflict on a year long project and what Gareth Southgate had to do with it.
A year into the project. Weekly meetings that turned into monthly ones. Political attention on every step. Finances that took months to agree: site visits, back-and-forth between teams, three reworks before we got the numbers right.
Then a colleague, who’d been at a few of the meetings, emailed to challenge a decision. His boss came in heavy. Mine was copied.
I was furious.
I went into my boss’s office.
“Who the fuck does he think he is?” And some other words I won’t repeat.
Then I had to leave for an all day site visit for a different service. Wrong room, wrong day. I was distracted the whole time and just wanted it over.
Didn’t reply to the email. Didn’t pick up the phone. Didn’t ask for a meeting.
Five words saved the project: “Talk me through your thinking.”
Years ago I watched England win a match comfortably. Late penalty. Jordan Henderson, who wasn’t the designated penalty taker, picked up the ball and missed. Asked about it afterwards, Southgate said with a wry smile: “We’ll ask Jordan to talk us through his thinking.”
That phrase never left me.
It doesn’t issue blame. It doesn’t put the injured party in the position of leading the conflict. It puts the responsibility where it belongs, on the person who made the decision.
The next morning I emailed him back. Calm. Offered to meet.
When we sat down, I summarised his position in two sentences. Then I asked him: “Talk me through your thinking.”
He started to explain. He rambled. He couldn’t really say what he objected to or why. After a few minutes he apologised for rambling and asked if he could visit the site to understand the project better.
Five words. No accusation. No demand. His challenge evaporated and was no longer relevant.